- Strong Points:
I had some trouble CnCing your's, because the genre I'd prefer is romance (cough Hopeless Romantic cough). Maybe Matt could do better for this.
I have to admit though, I quite like it. Great suspense.
I think you're trying to make your writing seem, uhm... can't find the word, complicated? Well, whatever you're doing is confusing. Sometimes your sentences are too wordy, and sometimes the words seem out of order, which makes it too complicated. Hmm... here's the deal: Simple writing can mean a lot, too. So even without using hard vocab words or using passive tense, the story can still mean a lot.
- My Answer:
However, I think you're really, really close already.
You've got a strong start, and acceptable english.
But, you need to understand the story in your reader's POV
.Would they get it if I say this? Would this be too confusing? Would I understand this if I were the reader?
Walk around their shoes.
You'll see. c:
Make it brief & simple. That's all.
You almost have my approval; If this is what you've wanted to hear: you've already shown me you can write.
And, please, you said this is not a "story"? ... Then why bother? (if, like you said, just wanted me to say something about it, why don't you just submit it in the "Literature" section?)
Thanks for applying.
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